With regard to moving away from abuse, this is a tough one. In the last several months I’ve been growing increasingly sad and exhausted by the number of people who deny or refuse to recognize their projections of misdirected anger onto me and others. I’m 62 and believe that each relationship is a microcosm of the greater whole. I have done tons of work on myself in the last 20 years to heal old wounds so that I am aware if I’m projecting or blaming, and am able understand and reflect on my childhood traumas. Consequently I have far fewer projections and I get to the sadness beneath anger very quickly, unlike those who lash out and regret it later. I am so thankful for learning about this group because months back I prayed for new friends.
Meanwhile, a woman who has called me “best friend” for 17 years did her usual “get angry about something and shut me out for an undetermined amount of time” routine. Way back we had promised to never desert each other and to always talk though disagreements. We’ve shared good times no doubt and I have found that she is always the one getting angry and she comes back from sporadic attempts at looking within by saying “I’m fine the way I am.” Her return to our friendship always involves denying she was ever angry, being extra kind and acting like nothing happened – the stage she is currently in. I’ve always overlooked her anger by accepting her excuses and subsequent disappearances and have been here with open arms, feeling like that is taking the high road. I’m no longer sure that’s been the right approach. We have shared a lot of good times and yet these angry bouts of hers are painful for both of us and I’ve talked to her about how she could feel better by tending to her childhood trauma on more than one occasion.
This time she wanted to see me before the holidays, alone for a whole Saturday without my partner(she lives 2 hours away). I explained that I was going through a very rough time emotionally – feelings stirred up by having to face months of a legal negotiation with my long-ago abusive X-husband and another friend who was dying of cancer. I would not agree to her condition to see me alone without my partner. She got angry and ended up shutting me and my partner out of her Christmas celebration in December. I’ve spent most of my significant holidays with her and her family and this put me over the edge from always forgiving to feeling like I’m done with the friendship even though she has sent me a couple of “nice’ emails.
My way of dealing with this as well as what’s happening in our country has been to first blind copy this woman in an email that appeared as a group email. I needed to give myself some time to sort through my emotions and see how I felt when the legal matter was over, so I told her I was on personal retreat for an undetermined amount of time to heal and regroup – I said that if she wanted to send anything uplifting I would welcome it. Next I did the following: 1)Had a session with a grief counselor 2)Got outside for walks as often as possible 3)I joined TreeSisters.org and participate in monthly free meditations with women from around the world 4)Make sure I take my supplements, healing herbs & eat healthy 5)Intentionally sought out humor – I have 2 old favorite clean sitcoms that have been evoking so much laughter and I will continue because this has helped so much! 6)Invited the angels to oversee my life and have had some amazing occurrences! 7)Asked for guidance through prayer 8)Last but not least I started painting again for enjoyment and I’m feeling much better.
I’m not sure how to proceed with this relationship other than to follow some very old sage advice, “When in doubt do nothing.” I’ve had enough drama these last several months and am not up to having a conversation with her. If anyone has any comments or suggestions I am open to receiving. I hate to give up a 17 year relationship and at the same time all I can think is “Will I be shut out unexpectedly next month, next holiday, next year?” The other friend who was dying just passed away and I’m feeling the loss pretty deep because she was a rare kind of friend. She also had done a lot of personal work and turned to Spirit regularly. As a result my friendship with her was completely stress free and enjoyable. We were compassionate witnesses for each other in times of hardship and celebrated each others victories as though they were our own. Such a contrast with the troublesome relationship!